Mother of the Year

I had a silly catch phrase when my kids were little. Any time I’d mess up, like forgetting to sign the field trip form or arriving five minutes late to retrieve my child from piano practice, I’d say, “Rats! I won’t get that Mother of the Year Award.” It was my goofy way of acknowledging that I’m not perfect. In that spirit, I’ve compiled some helpful tips on guaranteed ways to lose the Mother of the Year competition.

1. Show up half an hour late for parent/teacher conference and exclaim, “My massage therapist just needed a little extra time on my feet.”

2. Bring a thermos of coffee to the T ball game and offer some to other parents, then act surprised when they ask what gives it that Irish Crème flavor.

3. Wear a bikini to the car wash fundraiser.

4. Announce that you’ll be bringing Twinkies and Mountain Dew for the team’s post game snack.

5. Cuddle your sweater-clad Yorki-Poo in one arm while your toddler strains against his kiddie leash at the mall.

6. Tell your child you’ll help with homework tomorrow night because American Idol is on tonight.

7. Offer to drive on the field trip but only if you get your suspended license reinstated by then.

8. During a play date let the kids play beauty shop …the day before school photos. Then when the mom comes to get her daughter ask, “Don’t you think she looks better without bangs?”

While I didn’t win a prize for Best Mother, neither did I commit any of these tips personally (or at least not that I’ll admit). Nonetheless, I’m fairly certain that any one of them would be grounds for disqualification in such a contest. Good luck if you’re still in the running! Happy Mother’s Day to those who aren’t the worst or the greatest but just doing the best they can.
Diane Markins